The Mutants in Rehab!
by tropicana-e
Summary: This is a total parody of the t.v. show Celebrity Rehab in case you haven't already noticed, only with our beloved X-men as mutant celebrities! There's a little bit of everything thrown in here, so please read!
1. Chapter 1

_A/N: Well , I got this idea just earlier today and I had to act on it before it disappeared. Hopefully it'll be as fun typed out as it is in my head ? Haha, I don't know, but we'll see I guess !_

_Oh, and please remember that this is mostly a parody, so no need for anyone to jump on me. Some stuff is going to NOT be the same as it is in the X-men world._

**Characters:**

Wolverine - Aiden J. Sharpp

Cyclops - Kasey McQueen

Jean/Phoenix - Alex Manning

Storm - Zena Henson

Gambit - Lance LeBlanc

OC - Jade Torey

**The X's in Rehab**

Dr. Hank McCoy fought the urge to bite his pencil as he once again read over the profiles of his future patients. Although, after going through them, it was clear that he didn't need to. Their lives had already been made completely public with their notorious escapades and infamous personalites. This one's naked frontside all over every newstation and tabloid, this one's newly released sex video, this one's assault on yet another paparazzi. He sighed. They were to check in this morning. It was hard enough running a drug and alcahol rehablilitation center. Running one for addicted mutants would prove to be quite the challenge.

"Got your work cut out for you this time, huh?" Dr. McCoy looked up to see one of his counselors, Piotr, smiling at him. He couldn't help but smile back as he stood from his chair. The young counselor chuckled as Hank patted him on the shoulder and followed him out of the room.

1: Arrival and Introductions - Aiden Sharpp

Piotr and Marie, his fellow counselor, stood behind the sliding glass doors of the facility as a large black Denali pulled up outside. Marie gasped as a tall male stepped out of the passenger side of the car. His tight shirt showed off his muscles and his dark hair just grazed his shoulders. They both narrowed their eyes as they saw an even larger male circle around from the driver's side.

"I can't believe he didn't tell us Aiden Sharpp was coming." Marie said quietly, as if the man would hear her from the side of the street. Piotr rolled his eyes at the brown headed girl.

"He's a _patient_, Rogue. You know, a _drug addict_ in this rehabilitation center?"

"So?"

"So get over whatever interest you have in him. I _will_ report you if you start acting inappropriately. We're supposed to be helping them get clean, remember?"

"That jealousy is really ugly on you, Colossus. You need to get a sense of humor."

"You need to get a _brain_."

"You need to get a _life_."

"You need to get a _breathmint_."

"You need to kiss my ass."

"You need to wish for something else, cause that's not gonna happen."

"That's what you said last night too, but look what happened." Rogue smirked.

"Yeah, bite me." Piotr replied.

**- - - -**

"Still don't get why the hell you brought me to this shitbag." Aiden stood outside of the center with his older brother Derek.

"Because this shit's gone on far enough, A.J." The gargantuan blonde answered. "You were at first but now your on The Soup and Entertainment Tonight every weekend makin' an ass out of yourself. You're gettin smashed every night and going crazy...Trent is threatening to kick you outta the band if you keep acting up.

"Yeah, well you can tell Trent he can bite the bottom half of my --"

"Shut your damn mouth." Derek's voice became harsher, and he suddenly grabbed Aiden up by the collar. "You're here because of you. I brought you here because you're my kid brother." He said dangerously, staring right into his little brother's soul. He shoved him away. "Get the hell inside, I'll come back to visit you whenever."

"Don't bother." He answered bitterly as Derek finally drove off. He stared at his bags and back at the building.

Finally, he stepped inside to be met by two people with clipboards and extremely rehearsed looking smiles.

"Welcome to New Solstice Recovery Center. I'm Piotr, this is M--

"Great, great. Can I smoke in here?" He asked, not even waiting for an answer before lighting up a cigarette he pulled out of his pocket. Piotr and Rogue shared a confused glance, but each bounced back quickly.

"If you'll come with me, I'll show you where you're room will be for the remainder of your stay." Aiden nodded and followed the slightly taller male to the rooming quarters.

- - - -

Hank waited with his legs crossed in his office, he tugged at the collar of his shirt for the third time in a minute. The fabric was horrible against his blue fur. Piotr was supposed to bring in each of the patients after settling them in for one on one sessions. Aiden was the first scheduled to arrive, and the patient that concerned him the most. Not only because of his adamantium skeleton and claws, but for the personality that came paired with them.

Aiden Sharpp was well-known for being the drummer in the band _Skirmish Flight_. But he was famous for his incredibly short temper and numerous bad-boy antics. His most recent escapade was a drunken rampage that included the total destruction of a hotel room and lobby, public urination, and the assult of a paparazzi. And he had been incarcerated numerous times before for similar charges. DUI's, battery charges, indecent exposure, possesion of narcotics, and public drunkeness were only a few marks that he carried on his record. His manner's were not exactly pleasant either. He cursed and smoked frequently in interviews, made rude comments to any attractive woman he saw, and was well known for flipping camera's off, or sticking his tongue between his fingers when having his picture taken. It would be clear to anyone that his behavior and drug use was the result of some sort of psycological trauma or abuse, but it was going to be quite difficult to drag whatever it was out of him. But not a challenge he was going to give up on.

He perked up slightly when he heard Piotr's voice from further down the hall. Not much later a bewildered looking Aiden Sharpp came through the open doorway.

"Oh, Mr. Sharpp!" Hank stated, beckoning for the other male to sit. "I've been expecting you."

" 's that so." Aiden grumbled. He sat and pulled out another cigarette, this time without even asking permission before lighting it.

"Well, allow me to introduce myself...I am Dr. Henry McCoy. Or Hank McCoy, if you wish. Welcome to treatment." He said with a slight sense of satisfaction.

"Look, bub." Aiden started after blowing out a cloud of smoke. He inhaled deeply and pointed a finger at Hank before he started.

"First: I'm here completely against my will, so you're lucky I needed a vacation. Otherwise I'd be smashin' this place to hell an' back. Second: this ain't the first time I've been to one'a these shitbags so we can skip all the psycho-session bull. I drink, I do meth. And I'm gonna have people smuggle it in here, I don't care how good you're people are. So are we clear?" Dr. Hank leaned back in his seat and smirked.

"_Crystal_, Mr. Sharpp." He said just before Aiden exited his office. He chuckled to himself.

"That went smoother than expected." He smiled as he waited for his remaining patients to check in.

_Ok I know that was terribly short and not too deep but this is a slow ball to start, please tell me what you think of the idea, though. I would honestly appreciate feedback and any critisism you have to offer! Pce._


	2. Chapter 2

_A/N: Well I got some positive reviews! YAY! So I'm definitely going to continue this thing, I hope you guys like every minute you read! Anyways, on with the chapter.  
_  
**Disclaimer**: Nothing's mine blah blah blah

**Characters:**

Wolverine - Aiden J. Sharpp

Cyclops - Kasey McQueen

Jean/Phoenix - Alex Manning

Storm - Zena Henson

Gambit - Lance LeBlanc

OC - Jade Torey

**The X's in Rehab**

1: Arrival and Introductions –Lance LeBlanc, Jade Torey

Hank's slight concern at the beginning of the day had bloomed into an absolute dread and fear of the next month and a half that lay ahead. Two more of his patients had arrived earlier, Lance LeBlanc and Jade Torey.

Lance was a worldwide famous Cajun male model for designers from Tommy Highlighter to Kelvin Cane. But it was needless to say that he was more known for his behavior off of the catwalk. It was common knowledge that Lance rolled in the highest of circles and therefore had very many beautiful women at his disposal. And that was the exact attitude he held for females in general. He treated them as dispensable objects to which he had unlimited access. For that reason the media made it almost a contest to keep up with who he was stringing along as a trophy of his status every week. And for the most part, the women were either completely clueless, or didn't care because of the temporary popularity boost LeBlanc provided them. Either way, it did not matter to Lance.

Jade Torey was a successful breakthrough actress. But just recently her name was made more widely known when her fellow actor and boyfriend Kevin Bledsoe dumped her after discovering that she had had more than one "rendezvous" with one of her female co-stars in her recently released film. It had been so well known in pop culture that now, when anyone had been dumped humiliatingly by their boyfriend in common culture, it was now referred to as getting "Jade'd". Hank was just as aware of these facts as any other person who had a television or magazine. But the one fact that had eluded his knowledge was that among Lance's infinite string of girlfriends, Torey was among the first. But it had made itself known when once they saw that the other was in the facility. Piotr, of course, separated them before it came to physical blows. Hank just receded into his office and massaged the bridge of his nose for fear of his head exploding. He took a moment to collect himself, whether he was ready or not, he still had two more patients to survive.

Alex Manning was the next to... arrive. Her manager boyfriend seemed to have slight difficulty dragging her through the door, but at the same time, his demeanor showed that this was not the first time he had done so.

"Well here you go," He grunted, plopping her into Piotr's arms, "Good luck with this one.". He backed away and placed his hands on his hips while the two struggled to find any sort of response.

"I-- umm..." Piotr trailed, looking down at the female in his arms.

"Just call me if you need me. She knows my number." He chuckled before exiting, shaking his head as the doors slid shut behind him. Rogue and Colossus stood there with their jaws almost touching the floor as he rode off.

"Where the hell am I?" The redhead mumbled. Piotr hesitantly released her as she attempted to stand.

"Mrs. Manning... are you alright?" Rogue managed to ask. The clearly intoxicated woman gave her a despicable look.

"It's Ms. Manning, and if that's your bullshit method of asking me if I'm drunk well yes. I am extremely drunk, bitch." She wiped her nose and snorted before turning to Colossus.

"What the fuck are you lookin' at stretch?" She slurred before passing out cold on the ground.

"...Well then." he muttered. "You go tell Hank, I'll carry her to her room I guess." He lifted the frail mutant fairly easily while Rogue went to speak with the doctor.

- - - -

"Well everything's going just perfect, then, isn't it." Hank mumbled, receiving the message that Alex had just been admitted. He stood still for a while before looking back up at Rogue. "Very well then, go wait for our next arrival, please."

Rogue merely nodded before exiting. Apparently she knew just as well as Hank, how truly challenging to next few weeks would be. But he shook it off for now, as he read again through Alex Manning's profile.

Hank's eyebrows jumped barely three sentences in. Alex was also a model and was apparently a flamboyant bisexual. She was known for her extremely promiscuous nature with both men and women alike. Her fame had made an extreme boost last year when she and the famous singer Emma Frost released a tape of their sexual experience together, twice. It was blatant that this one was going to need extreme looking after. Dr. McCoy sighed, trying his best to convince himself that it was just a part of the job.

- - - -

"So Ms. Torey," Hank smiled warmly to the already weary looking young mutant, "Welcome to treatment."

"Thank you." She answered weakly. "But I don't think I'll be staying much longer."

"Really? Why?" He asked, genuinely concerned. She rubbed her arm and looked away, not answering.

"Jade." He began sternly, yet reassuringly, "Whatever personal issues you and Mr. LeBlanc may have, I promise you, my assistants and I will absolutely not allow it to interfere with your rehabilitation."

"I wish that were true." She mumbled. Dr. McCoy place a hand on her knee.

"Well while I _do_ have you here, what can we help you with?"

"Well as far as addictions go. I have a problem with umm…"

"It's alright, I'm not here to judge, I'm here to help." He urged her.

"With Valium."

"So tranquilizers? Anything else?"

"Drinking. Definitely drinking." She said, tears already forming in her eyes. She wiped her eyes dry and Hank grinned.

"The first step of treatment is always admitting that a problem is there." He said. "I'm proud of you." He sat with her for a minute before speaking again.

"Ok. I think that's good for now. I'll speak to you later tonight, alright?" She nodded and stood, leaving him to examine his other patients' profiles.

"Jade," she turned hearing Dr. McCoy call after her; "I really do hope you stay." She nodded and exited his office quietly.

- - - -

Hank looked up quickly from his notepad hearing the door slam shut to his office, but put it away and turned in his chair when an extremely infuriated Lance stormed in.

"Mr. LeBlanc, you're early." He said.

"Thought it'd be bettah to talk to ya now, homme." He said. Hank adjusted his glasses and gestured to the opposite facing chair.

"Have a seat."

"I want her gone." He said, remaining upright.

"Excuse me?" Hank inquired calmly.

"_Torey_. Dat ain't bout ta happen again, homme. I want her moved somewhere else."

"I think the both of you just might have had an unpleasant surprise and reacted inappropriately, Mr. LeBlanc. It's certainly no reason to have her removed."

"Den transfer me. I promise you, homme, either she go, I go, or there'll be blood." His calm composure and words sent red flags flying to Hank and he sat up immediately.

"Mr. LeBlanc, I made a promise to Ms. Torey that whatever issues that exist between you two would not interfere with her stay in treatment. I'd _like_ to make the same promise to you."

"Fuck yo' promises. I'm out cause if she come at me again, I'll hit her ass back, I swear." He said, making to leave.

"_Sit down,_ Mr. LeBlanc," Lance turned when Hank called out, he narrowed his eyes before warily taking a seat across from him. Hank took a while to size him up before continuing.

"Let me tell you something, young man." He said dangerously, "I've been in this business a _long time_. I've seen it all and heard it all. And I generally tend to be a forgiving person when it comes to the actions of my patients. But mark my words: if your attitude doesn't change, and _especially_ if you assault Ms. Torey, or _any_ other female while under _my roof_, it will be you that leaves, and it will be in handcuffs. And you will not be welcome back."

Lance stood heatedly, refusing to listen to another word, but Hank spoke again before he could reach the door.

Oh, and Lance," He called, "I'd think twice before deciding to just 'up and leave'. Amphetamine addiction in combination with both your temper and mutation can only lead to destruction. But the choice is yours: stay for a few weeks with Ms. Torey, or have a permanent stay in a pine box."

Hank sighed hearing the door slam. This tension went much deeper than he could've imagined, and he knew it must have served as some sort of trigger for both of them to use. But he would delve more into it once all his patients had checked in. Two to go.

**TBC**


	3. Chapter 3

_A/N: Took a while, I know… but I'm still here!  
_  
**Disclaimer**: Nothing's mine blah blah blah

**Characters:**

Wolverine - Aiden J. Sharpp

Cyclops - Kasey McQueen

Jean/Phoenix - Alex Manning

Storm - Zena Henson

Gambit - Lance LeBlanc

OC - Jade Torey

**The X's in Rehab**

1: Arrival and Introductions –Zena Henson, Kasey McQueen

"Man I'm freakin' hungry." Rogue turned around hearing Piotr behind her. She looked at her watch then back out of the doors.

"It's not even lunchtime." She mumbled distractedly. He groaned, hearing his stomach growl again.

"I know, I didn't have breakfast. You have a granola bar or something?"

"You can make it 'till noon, Piotr." She rolled her eyes while Piotr whined and whimpered behind her.

"Ok, dumbass, get up. Someone's here."

"Alright, alright, I'm up," he grumbled, pushing himself up from the couch, "Who is it?" He stood next to Rogue and both their breaths caught in their throats seeing Zena Henson exit a taxi and roll her suitcase up the walkway.

"You've gotta be shittin' me."

"Oh this is unbelievable. _Zena Henson _riding in a _taxi_?"

"And carrying her own bags!" They both shared a snicker but straightened when the sliding doors parted.

"Hello, Ms. Henson." Colossus grinned presentably. She looked at him strangely and blinked hard.

"Where's my room?" She asked blankly. Marie pushed her way past Piotr to show Zena to her room before the awkwardness could go any further.

* * *

Hank looked up when Piotr poked his head in the door.

"Zena Henson just… came in, Dr." he said. Hank looked at his watch and the clock before answering.

"Alright, send her in 10 minutes, thank you, Piotr."

"Sir, we believe she's used recently. I don't think she'll be very lucid if you talk to her now—if you don't mind me saying." He added quickly. The blue mutant chuckled.

"Not in the least, Mr. Rasputin. Nevertheless, send her in. So long as she's conscious I'd like to speak with her. She may let out more under her current condition than she ever will sober. Thank you, Piotr." He grinned before the larger mutant exited.

Zena was one of the strangest Hollywood stories Hank had come across in all his years of experience. Born in New York, Henson was raised in Cairo for several years before leaving after her parents were killed in an earthquake. Shortly thereafter, she became an exotic dancer at Purple Kitten, one of the most upscale gentlemen's clubs in the state of New York. It had been said by the club owner that even then she only performed for special VIP parties or wealthy tycoons.

Not three months later, she was inexplicably married to then 68 year old Eugene Dalton, king of the Dalton Hotel Empire and well known billionaire. It didn't take long at all for her to burst in to stardom, with the constant gossip of her scandalous relationship, and unnaturally acquired regal, often snotty behavior. And with the recent death of her husband, she could not escape the headlines. She actually had been holding her composure disturbingly well, calmly declining interviews and not even shedding a tear at the late Dalton's funeral. McCoy figured her extreme distaste for public displays of emotion would more than likely make Henson one of the more difficult patients to break through to. He looked up when his office door clicked open. Ten minutes flew by faster than he anticipated.

"Ms. Henson, please have a seat."

* * *

Rogue has just reemerged from the residence hall when an arm suddenly spun her around. She her skin blushed a deep red when the arm pressed her closely against its source.

"That's a nice strut you got, cutie." He said in a deep, silky voice.

"Get your hands off me." She warned through her teeth. The stranger released her, grinning and putting his hands up in defense.

"Babydoll," he chuckled, "You can't sport a tight little ass like that and expect me not to try and… _get acquainted_."

"Really?" Marie said suggestively, stepping closer to him.

Piotr came down the hall just as Rogue slipped her glove off, clueless as to what was going on.

"What's your name, kitty cat?" He said, taking her smaller hand in his. Colossus' eyes widened when the stranger collapsed to the ground, convulsing uncontrollably, and he ran over. Rogue replaced her glove, clearly satisfied with her work while Piotr stared at her in shock.

"Rogue." He said as calmly as he could, "Tell me you didn't use your power against a patient."

"Do not start with me, Piotr, I mean it."

"'_Don't start with you?'_ Are you an idiot? You can get fired for this you dodo!"

"Don't call me a dodo you rock 'em sock 'em robot!" She said, punching the larger mutant in the shoulder. He simply shook his head.

"You know what, call me what you want. It's _you_ that's gonna be waiting in the unemployment line."

"Shut up, Piotr, it was a reflex, what'd you expect me to do!" She seethed, trying to keep her voice down.

"Well gee, Rogue-y, let's explore your options! Let's see there's: walk away," he listed off on his fingers, "Come get me, better yet, come get _Dr. Hank,_ or there's always option D: try and kill the guy!"

"I didn't try and kill him, I just put him out! I didn't even know who he was!" They both froze, leaning closer to get a better look at the unconscious man.

"…who _is_ he?"

"Looks like ol' Queeny McQueen." Aiden's voice came from next to them as he stepped over his limp body and out to the outside patio. They both looked after him dumbly.

"Who?"

"That would be our final patient, Kasey McQueen. At least that's what I _believe_ Mr. Sharpp meant." They both jumped up to see a skeptical looking Hank and gave him sheepish looks.

"Don't bother explaining." He dismissed them, "Piotr, can you carry Kasey to his room, please?"

"Yes, sir." He nodded, hoisting the rock-star's limp body from the floor while Hank read over his profile.

Kasey McQueen, lead singer of the rock group _Onyx_, was probably the most scandalous male music figure in pop culture. He'd started his career ten years ago, married and expecting his first child. Needless to say he'd now long been divorced, was now a raging cocaine addict as well as a flamboyant sex addict. Among other things he'd been arrested several times for lewd conduct, public intoxication, indecent exposure and sexual harassment. He, also, was now the father to undoubtedly dozens of illegitimate children. Despite all of this, however, from TV interviews and quotes taken from McQueen, he seemed to be happy with his life. This disturbed Hank a great deal, knowing that this addiction paired with his reckless lifestyle and increasing age would soon eat away at Kasey until he was nothing but an empty shell, and his current fame would be a shadow of a memory.

"Well," Rogue said, coming up behind Dr. McCoy as he looked in on Kasey, "All the patients have checked in." Hank glanced over his shoulder at her.

"Indeed they have." He mumbled distractedly. "Let the games begin." He smiled at her, leaving both her and Piotr completely dumbstruck as he quickly retreated back into his office.

**TBC**


End file.
